Why Willpower Doesn’t Work for ADHD (and What Actually Helps)

I asked myself recently – when was the last time I caught myself trying to brute force my brain?

Erm… I think it was … this week!

I’m building this coaching business, and there have been mornings where I’ve decided I need structure. So I tell myself: right, my workday is ten till four, maybe ten till six. Great. So I’ve got to start at ten. I have to!

But… I am self-employed! I don’t actually have to start at ten. I don’t have to start until two! If I’ve not got a client booked in, there’s no real reason I have to start at ten. It helps me to have some structure, but sometimes I need to listen to my body instead of forcing it.

But my brain goes: YOU MUST START AT TEN! (This may be my autistic side latching on to some much-desired routine).

But it’s arbitrary. I just decided that ten is the time. But, suddenly it’s moral.

So I wake up at nine and I’m like, right, I'VE GOT TO START AT TEN. Because that’s the rule I’ve made. And I sit down and immediately panic about what I should do first.

I’m not regulated. I’ve just woken up. There are three or four different things I could be working on, all of which could be the “right” thing, and I can’t decide.

And the best place to make that decision from is not a just-woken-up, dysregulated morning.

When you wake up, your cortisol is at its highest. For some people, that gets them up and going. I know people who bounce out of bed at six, clothes on, breakfast, straight to work. (Does. Not. Compute)

That’s not me. I need those couple of hours to regulate and stop being furious that I’m awake!

So instead, I brute force it.

I try to make decisions anyway. I push myself to start. And then I’m all over the place all day. A bit of this, a bit of that. Open something, close something, reply to a message, start something else.

By the end of the day, I don’t really know what I was doing. I’ve made tiny bits of progress in lots of places, but it just feels like I’ve been wheel-spinning.

And how do I feel at the end of the day? Quite shit.

I start thinking: oh God, this is never going to work. I’m never going to get anywhere. And I start catastrophising.

That’s what brute force looks like.

I do it with other things too. Cleaning, for example. Trying to willpower myself into having a perfectly clean house instead of figuring out what actually works for my brain.

I have to take cat poo down to the street bins. I live in a second-floor flat, so it’s not like I can just pop it outside the door. If there’s a bag by the door waiting to go downstairs, somehow that becomes evidence that I am morally defective.

It’s ridiculous. But that’s how quickly productivity becomes moral.

If I can’t do this, it must mean I’m lazy. Or inferior. Or that there’s something wrong with me.

It’s not just that I didn’t do the thing. It becomes something about who I am.

And that’s not coming from nowhere. Productivity is moralised in our society. If you’re not productive, you’re not a good person. You’re not worthwhile.

So it becomes: I’m worthless.

Which is wild, when you actually say it out loud. Feeling like you’re worthless because you didn’t start work at ten? Or because there’s cat poo by the door?!

I grew up in quite a “should” culture. "You should do this". "You should do that". "If you cared, you would". "If you were disciplined, you would".

And I internalised that.

So even now, even after training as an ADHD coach, even after months of building this business and coaching other people, I still catch myself believing in willpower.

I have to unlearn it constantly.

Because the voice is loud. The one that says: other people manage this. Why can’t you? If you were serious, you’d just do it. If you were a good employee, you’d just get on with it.

I’ve tried to run on willpower in most of the jobs I’ve ever had. And I have become unwell.

I’ve had migraines bad enough to be signed off work. Periods of depression. Repetitive strain injury. Burnout. Because I was trying to discipline my way through everything.

Managers have told me: if you’re stuck, go for a walk, have a bath, step away. And I’d nod… and then sit back down and flog myself at the computer because I was too caught up in looking lazy.

Which would result in migraines, or burnout, or a chronic pain flare up. And getting signed off.

Willpower is a limited resource. That’s not just an ADHD thing, that’s a human thing.

And shame is a shit motivator.

If the only way you can get yourself to do something is by telling yourself that you’re a bad person if you don’t, that’s not sustainable.

That’s brute force.

What I’ve had to unlearn is that willpower isn’t a personality trait. It’s not that I just don’t have enough of it.

It’s a strategy. And it’s a limited one.

What actually makes a difference is regulation.

So here’s the contrast. The other morning, the cat woke me up at seven. I needed more sleep, so I stayed in bed until nine. And again, the voice started: YOU MUST START WORK AT 10!

Recently I got an electronic drum kit. I used to play as a kid and I’ve missed it for years. And this time, it’s not a project. It’s not something I have to turn into anything. I can just play badly and enjoy it.

So instead of forcing myself to start work, I thought: I’m going to take an hour. I’m going to play the drums. I’m going to do something creative and fun.

This isn’t about having no responsibilities. It’s about the difference between brute forcing myself and regulating myself first.

Because when I regulate first, I’m much more able to actually do the things I want to do.

Not because I tried harder. It's because I supported my nervous system.

Rest and regulation are part of the work. Not something you earn afterwards. Part of it.

And this is the bit that really matters. When you can’t be consistent, what does that mean about you?

Finish the sentence. If I can’t do this, it must mean I am…

Lazy.
Inferior.
Useless.
Worthless.

Sound familiar? It becomes a moral judgement. And I want people to start separating those things.

You are not morally superior on your most productive days. And you are not worthless on your most chaotic ones. You are the same person. Just in different conditions.

So maybe instead of trying to willpower your way through everything, you experiment.

Try regulating first. Try doing something enjoyable before the thing you think you “should” do. Forgive yourself for not following through on an intention, because chances are you were trying to rely on willpower as your only tool.

Regulation over brute force.

Because if willpower worked, it would have worked by now.

If this feels familiar, and you want to explore this in a bit more depth, you can book a free call using the appointments page.